Birthdays

I was simply sitting here thinking about my up coming birthday. I have made practically no plans for it. And I always make plans. I plan a costume party, invite lots of people and plan to have an awesome time.

I fucking started to cry thinking about my last few birthdays. Spending them going to bed alone, hurt, crying, angry, or knowing things were just plain fucked up.

Even last year. I had fun, during the party. At the same time a large group of friends decide to go to another friends new bf’s party. I also knew that my marriage was ending. We just hadn’t said a thing yet.

This year I am going to the zoo. Buy myself a book, maybe go to dinner or a movie. And I am willing to do it alone. I may have someone to go with, but I’m not setting it in stone.

I wanted each year to make up for the last. To make up for the bad memories. I fucking love birthdays. I just want one with happy memories around it.

~Ivy

You have no right

“ok ur punishment is over now” is how the text went. After not texting for a day and a bit this is what I received recently from some asshat I hardly knew. I was livid. He had already been setting off red flags and acting possessive and playing similar games. The reason for my punishment? I wouldn’t send him a nude photo. I knew him all of two weeks. Can you say crazy? First phone call he made threats of withholding if I drank the 5 hr energy drink I had. I thought it was a joke. Yet it kept going. Then he would just lose his shit if I tried to disagree with something. That’s when I started to get concerned. I was so happy to have that quiet time – no texts, no phone calls.

To receive a text of that sort, after all his other alarming behaviour was it for me. You simply do not treat people like that. Especially as an adult. By 33 your vocabulary should include phrase such as “I’m upset/angry/hurt/etc and can’t talk with you right now”. But ‘punishing’ someone simply for a lack of a nude photo is utterly out of line.

Perhaps I hold others to a higher standard? I like to view it as I have more respect for myself than to allow some tool bag treat me like a child.
I was brought up with constant reminders that no one is allowed to lay a hand on me without permission, and I always deserve to be treated with courtesy and a modicum of respect (full respect is earned, not expected).

After staying that I was not impressed with his statement, he became defensive. And then another day went by without contact until his next text came in. “bye” was all it said. Was he expecting me to ask him to stay? Or perhaps beg his forgiveness? “oh baby, I was all in the wrong, please let me make it up to you! Here are all the nude shots you want! Anything else I can do? Maybe stop working and stop talking to my friends? Make my life all about you?” fuck no.

This getting back into dating thing kind of sucks.

Moving forward, but not really

Every now and then there is that person who just gets right into your heart and sets up a little home.  The kind of person that you don’t ever want to let go of.  Sometimes it’s someone you’ve known for a long time, sometimes just a day or a week or a whatever.  I have three of them.  The kind of people that when they message me or I see their face or hear their voice it makes my heart swell and also hurts.  A lot.  Two of them are past lovers.  Two people that things didn’t quite end nicely.  The third is someone where it had potential but not the time.  Or the place.

I like to think that I am able to let go of things, to move on from the past. To not hold a torch for anyone.  And yet, here I am.  With three people that I just don’t seem to be able to let go of.  Three people that I have feelings for – good and bad.

Sometimes its just a case of ‘the one that got away’  That’s not it for me.  They didn’t get away.  They left, or I left, or we both left.  But it didn’t end.  It was left open, for later.  For the future, for when the planets align and the earth is in the right house and we are wearing the right colour of socks.  Or something like that.  The newest one seems to hurt the most right now.  I both love and hate seeing their messages in my inbox.  Reading about what they wish we could do together. Seeing those letters on my screen detailing their feelings for me if only I was back in BC or they were to move out here.

I don’t want ifs.  I don’t want later.  I want now.  I want to experience their emotions for me in the present.  Not how they felt about me before or how they could feel about me in the future.  I can’t live my life like that.  I need to live it day to day.

~Ivy

Late night ramblings

Since our last update this intrepid explorer has gone though a few adventure. Most of them pretty good.  Finished my EMR course *hooray*, made it back home safely and jumped right back into work and a bit of dating.

Remember that beau I had mentioned before?? WELLLLLLL He is no more.  In fact shortly after my last post I stopped hearing from him.  We had a phone chat, he told me he loved me, and then I never heard from him again.  My email to him was returned and all that.  My big question is who tells someone they love them then suddenly stops talking to them? I’m not going to waste time on shit like that though.  Of course there is a small part of me that says if I heard from  him again I might give him a second try.  But that’s likely my hormones talking.  Stupid hormones.

I had a second date with that girl from OKC.  Yoga and brunch.  Delightful! We seem to have a lot of trouble finding time to get together but that’s alright.  Things will work out as they should.  At the same time I met this delightful gal who happens to work with girl one!  Can you say ‘Lesbian Drama’? It’s ok.  They know about each other and think it’s pretty funny.  Ahhh poly life.  I heart you when you work out so nicely.

Now here is the snag.  Cause there is always a snag right?  Girls two is a virgin.  And I mean that in ever sense of the word.  She grew up in a very religious family.  Never been kissed, never dated, has just come out as bi  (really just a lay over to gay town…but you didn’t hear that from me) and so on.  She’s 25.  The other day she asked me to be her first kiss.  Who am I to turn down a cute girl? So I went for it.  It was nice, pretty chaste.  I don’t know where any of this is going, and that’s totally ok.  I’m just enjoying the time with her.

Then there was that swinger party I went to.  Not bad.  Finally had sex with a girl for the first time in…hmmm..2.5 years??? Was fantastic. I want moar naow.

All this has made me realize that I am done with casual.  I want something solid and tangible.  I’m done with fucking randoms.  Take that however you like.  I kind of miss being in a relationship proper.  I’m not really looking for anything though.  Just putting it out there that if it comes along then great.  If not that’s ok to.  However I am going to make the decisions that could lead me to something more solid.

Work is going fantastic.  I got a raise, I’m getting more work and things are going pretty well.  I’m looking forward to the summer and more clients.

Next month I take my ACP exams in Edmonton *urghk* After that I think I might apply to take the 6 month EMT course…but not planning that much.  Gotta get though my exam first.

Oh, I’ve also been going longboarding a lot more too.  Nailed my first tuck a couple weeks ago, feeling some major stoke from that!  Every week I head out for a few hours of riding and playing around.  Need some good glove though.  And less fear of bailing.  I’ll bail if I bail.  Why can’t I be more afraid about falling in love than I am about falling off my deck?

~Ivy

Ex’s

We all have them.  Ok, Most people have them.  I happen to have seen one of my ex gf’s tonight.  We dated a long time ago…We’re both very different people now.  That’s how it goes though, right?

Some ex’s I can get along with and feel like we can still be friends and hang out and all that.  Like Ms Jinx and I.  Yay!! And some ex’s, not so much.  I think its the promises they make that we’ll stay friends or that they’ll always want me in their lives, and yet make no to little effort to stay in my life or find out what is happening.  Those hurt the most.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  I don’t want your empty words, I want your full actions.

 

~Ivy

Tomorrow I Go!

I head out tomorrow.  Totally nervous.  For lots of reasons.  Seeing Laine, school, maybe seeing other people.  Just ugh, what if I fuck in in school? What if things blow up in my face.  What if what if what fucking if?!

Tokerbell gave me a great pep talk tonight, that helped.  I’m getting my laundry done and my books together.  Then packing, some tv on my lappy.  And to my pillow zone aka cuddle fortress.  Damn could go for some real cuddles!

On another note, I am feeling slightly proud of myself for maintaing a daily blog.  Sure, a couple days of bad/short blogs – but come on! MIGRAINE!! Still made it!

~Ivy

Oh Facebook…

I put this as my status last night:

“Remember when we were happy together? When we thought it would last forever? I do. I’m glad we had those times. And I’m glad we can move on. I still love you no matter what. At least we can still be friends. Somehow, that means even more to me than the time we did have together.”

Today I am getting comments and e-mails from people asking me whats wrong and telling me how sad that sounds, and who is that about.  Laine is getting messages from people asking him whats wrong! It’s *MY* status! Funny funny funny.  He hasn’t really told anyone about our split.  I’ve been the one telling people.

Not that this was about him and me.  It was about a few different relationships.  As much as it hurts for it to be over, many of those people are still my friends.  For some of them my love hasn’t changed, and for others it has grown into a great friendship.  It was also about moving on from those times.  The thing about carrying a torch for someone, you just end up getting burned in the end.

Well, back to my books and joose *grin*

~Ivy