Random Me

Random bits about me. I try for daily, but random is random.

Decision Time.

I moved back in with my parents when I moved back to Alberta for work.  I am trying to get into the EMT program and now I am having some serious car issues. Not just that someone drove into my parked car, but now the battery is dead, something is wrong with the doors and I am told it started smoking.  Instead of telling me the other day when it happened, my mother decides to tell me days later.  She tells me “I don’t know whats going on, your dad knows cars better than I do” Ok, fine I will talk to him tonight.  Then she hangs up on me.  For fucks sake what is with this woman!  I agree to talk to my dad and you get all pissy now? Urgh.

Now, if I am to put money into my car, that takes money away from school.  I am wondering if I should just wait for the next intake (August or September), get my own place and save up money for school longer? I work lots anyway, and having more time to save up would be really helpful right now.  I can’t take the pressure they are putting on me to get my application in either.  It is driving me up the wall.  Do this do that do it now now now.

Really, I just want to yell at my mother to get off my fucking back.  I didn’t want to be a doctor that’s why I dropped out of university, 11 years ago.  That she should finally get over it and let me make my own decisions. That might include moving out and working a bit longer before I go to school.

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That one person

There seems to be a person in our lives that can just see inside our heads and tell us just what we are thinking but are way to afraid to confront it or admit it openly.  They might not always be tactful, or articulate.  Sometimes they say it in just a way to make it sound like the most beautiful poetry out there. And if you don’t have one of those people, that’s a shame.  Sometimes I don’t know what I would do without mine.  Maybe continue on with my own delusions?  Definitely take longer to get to my own conclusions, that’s for sure.

So a big thank you to my own consciousness made flesh, that one amazing friend in my life that can look at me and say “Dude, this is what you have to hear, and you are fucking ready for it so just shut up and listen”.  And I do listen.  I don’t always like it. It really is like he is saying verbatim what I am thinking, and that can be hard to face.

Writing

The words that can’t be expressed through the eyes,

That stall on the tongue,

Eventually find their escape through the fingers,

And make their way into the world.

There is someone on my roof…

No, really.  There is currently some dude walking around the roof of my shack.  It is making it very difficult to just sit here and play video games with breaks of checking out tumblr.  What if I want to check out Effing Dykes, or Autostradle, or maybe I Dig Your Girlfriend (<— that would be their tumblr, the website will be up soon) or any of my other favourite lady lovin’ sites.  Being queer can be a bit tricky in any job field.  In a field where “Men are men and women make the sandwiches” it can be even more so.  Sure there are calendars up with half naked ladies, sometimes even full on beaver shots.  No wood though, they see enough of that daily.  Now I am expected to just deal with this because I am somehow intruding on their macho macho man world.  Fine by me.  Free naked ladies everywhere!  I can even make jokes about it cause “Girls who like girls are hot”.

 

But what if it was reversed? What if I was a dude who was into dudes out here? To even have a male medic out here makes the guys squirm uncomfortably.  “Oh no!” they yell, “He might touch me if I pass out”.  Right, that’s likely.  Because when our patients pass out our first thought, as a medic, is to molest you.  Not make sure you’re breathing, or that you’re not bleeding out all over the place.  Nope.  We wanna touch your wangs.  All of the wangs.  All the time.  Secondly, if you’re out working on the rigs you are filthy as shit.  Literally.  They get covered in stuff called invert, and that’s just nasty.

Unless you’re into that sort of thing (you do you and all that).

Procrastination

When it comes to my daily work tasks I am pretty on top of things. As soon as I am back from breakfast I sit and drink my hot chocolate and do my paperwork. This takes all of 15 minutes. After lunch I clean my truck and mtc. Just get it done.

Do you think I could apply this same thought process to my school work? Ha! Nope!! So far I have come up with an outline of what to study. Set up my practice tests, and even recruited my reference letters. I still need to write my entrance essay and actually study for my entrance exams.

Instead I fill my days with Battlestar Galactica and Final Fantasy 3. At least that’s this week. I really should write that essay this weekend so I can mail it off on my next days off.

But they cylons might win, and there are more crystals to be found!!

But It’s So Tasty!

There’s a whole process to making my hot chocolate.  I put the water on to boil, grab a large cup, a packet of mix (powered – we’re not fancy up here), and four french vanilla creamers.  I put the mix in my cup, then I add the creamers and mix it all up.  Making sure it’s nicely blended.  Then I play on my phone till the water boils.  This is a good way to waste some time because this can take a while if I am the first person to use the tea pot in the mornings.  Once boiled I fill the cup to the first line (I am sorry environmentalists, we use styrofoam cups up here…don’t get mad at me, I don’t run the camp!) then stir some more until it becomes a light brown colour.  Throw the lid on and head back to site.  In the 15 minutes or less it takes me to get back to site my hot chocolate has gone from burning to “this is still really hot but it’s so tasty!” hot.  The french vanilla creamers make it seem like I have melted marshmallows in there and it totally makes my boring paperwork worth it.  Even the burning mouth is worth it.

Exciting? Not really.  Tasty? Absolutely!

You Can’t Have That Because You’re Fat!

Gather  round fellow internet folk and let me tell another story from “Reason’s My Mother Is Crazy”.

On this last round of days off I was visiting with my parents and my dad went to give me a Kit Kat bar.  A simple, tasty, treat.  For no reason other than he had one to give.  Seems simple, right? Wrong.  He tried to give it to me in front of my mother.  She snatched  it right out of his hand! Mid hand off.  “She doesn’t need that! Don’t give her that!” she said.  The look on her face was one of abject horror! How dare  he try to give me chocolate! Doesn’t he know that I am FAT!! That giving me chocolate is only going to make me fatter? My dad and I stood there, a bit stunned.  Cause as a fat girl, I can’t make proper food choices, and that being handed a Kit Kat bar would make me stop eating healthy and exercising and I would just sit around and stuff my maw full of candy and junk food.  Of course, that’s how it all works, right?

Don’t worry, this story has a happy ending.

The next day I am at the airport having a bit of lunch with my parents who came to say good bye.  I am enjoying a tasty sub (full of meat in spite of my vegan mothers choices) and a cookie for dessert.  A double chocolate cookie. “Mmm, this is a great cookie” I say, “It’s no Kit Kat, but it’ll do”.

Pick your battles, my mother always told me.  I prefer to pick my victories.  No matter how small and petty they can be.

Birthing

It’s late, I am working a 12 hour night shift.  My last before days off.  I have been watching The L Word – because it’s kind of great.  At the end of Season 2 Tina gives birth to her baby.  Via C-Section.  The majority of the births I attended as a birth doula were c-sections.  Mainly due to complications – I worked a lot of high risk births – and every time that baby would be born I would cry.  I cry watching births on tv, I even cry when I think back to the births I have attended.

I don’t cry because I am sad that they were c-sections, I cry because I think giving birth is one of the most amazing things in the world.  That having a baby can be a wonderful choice.  And really any birth is ok by me.  Water births, hospital, drugs, no drugs, even c-section.  That mother is doing something amazing!

Personally I don’t really feel a strong need for children.  I like them, but not enough to want one all the time.

I don’t feel bad about crying at births.  I think if I was to deliver a baby during my EMS service I would still cry.  I would still think it was an amazing thing to be happening.  Even if I just hold their hand while it happened.

Sometimes I miss being a doula.  Not that those skills ever go away or I would ever really stop being one if someone wanted me there.  Just that I am now in a field where I can’t make those same commitments.  Luckily I will get to attend a couple births as part of my EMT practicum.  I might even be allowed to catch a baby, or clamp a cord.  That would be pretty fantastic!

Crew Change

There is a possibility that I will be leaving site tomorrow.  I might not be leaving till the day after.  All this means is that I have to get my shit packed up and ready to go.  I hate this part of work.  I know my rotation is almost up, but I don’t actually know when I am switching out.  It’s not really my company’s fault.  They do their best to get this all sorted and worked out to make it nice and smooth for everyone involved.  However the nature of this job is that sometimes you don’t actually know when or where you are going until it is time to do so.

Tonight is brought to you by The L Word, Laundry, and Music.

Hetero Monogamist Normality

I don’t know why I struggle with this so much right now.  I am involved with a wonderful man.  He loves me, offers incredible support, cares and thinks I am totally awesome.  And here I am having little freak outs over the fact that not only have I decided to be in a monogamous relationship, but also one with a guy.

I am not denying who I am –  bi/queer, poly type – I just happen to have decided that my life could use a little less overly and a little more lessening.  I am probably just scared as fuck that I am going to mess this up by doing something so incredibly stupid.

Really what I should be doing is being thankful that I found someone who loves me and wants me for and hasn’t asked me to change for them, instead has accepted who I am.  I made the choice to be monogamous, and with a guy.  I should just enjoy what I have here and go with it.

Just shut up and be happy.

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