I can tell you you’re ugly ’cause I’m safe behind my computer screen.

On the internet I can say whatever the fuck I want.  I can say I kick babies and punch nice old ladies.  I can call you ugly, stupid, or vapid.  I can say that your sister is hotter, or I want to fuck you dad.  I can do this without giving a second thought to any of it because I am protected by my computer screen.  Can’t touch me here! I’m just letters on a screen.  Not a real person, not a thinking or feeling human being. And neither are the ones to who those comments and ideas directed at.  Nope.

With total impunity I can say that I hate gays and love chickens.  Or maybe the other way around.

Maybe I just like to cause conflict and everything I say is actually a lie.  Oh wait, that can’t be right.  Everything I say on the internet must be the truth.  Right?

When I read this article tonight I wanted to be just as mad as she was, as many of her fans were.  Then I stopped for about three seconds to think about it. I am sure the comments were pretty uncalled for.  However, this is THE INTERNET.  People will type things to make themselves feel better, or because they think they are being witty or funny.  For Margaret Cho to lose a fan over her own replies to a couple of rude comments is pretty lame too.  If you found her language offensive you were never really a fan in the first place.  Ahem – side tracked –

To choose to focus on the hateful comments, instead of either ignoring it or focusing on the many other wonderful and complimentary comments.  I really do understand.  One criticism can scream louder than a hundred wonderful compliments.  Especially more so if we grew up being at either scale of constant praise or constant abuse.

It is so easy to take the shit people say personally.  And I think more so on the internet where you can anonymously spew your thoughtless comments around.  When we are in a public environment or social setting many rules are observed and followed.  Oh sure, there’s always some situation where someone will walk up to you and just announce how they feel about your hair style, tattoos, piercings, shoes, or even eye colour.  Doesn’t happen much, in person.  But now we are all safe and secluded behind our computer screens thinking that we can call each other names with impunity we are now free to say whatever comes to mind. Hurtful or helpful.

Words on a screen can hurt just as much as words spoken.

By no means am I saying don’t announce your opinions (I hope that obvious).  I do think we need to learn (and teach others) how to move past the stupid.  Valid opinions welcome.  Thoughtless louts can form a line to the fuck off.

Do we really need an epidemic of “Oh Noes! Someone on the internet is mad at me”?

Birthdays

I was simply sitting here thinking about my up coming birthday. I have made practically no plans for it. And I always make plans. I plan a costume party, invite lots of people and plan to have an awesome time.

I fucking started to cry thinking about my last few birthdays. Spending them going to bed alone, hurt, crying, angry, or knowing things were just plain fucked up.

Even last year. I had fun, during the party. At the same time a large group of friends decide to go to another friends new bf’s party. I also knew that my marriage was ending. We just hadn’t said a thing yet.

This year I am going to the zoo. Buy myself a book, maybe go to dinner or a movie. And I am willing to do it alone. I may have someone to go with, but I’m not setting it in stone.

I wanted each year to make up for the last. To make up for the bad memories. I fucking love birthdays. I just want one with happy memories around it.

~Ivy

You have no right

“ok ur punishment is over now” is how the text went. After not texting for a day and a bit this is what I received recently from some asshat I hardly knew. I was livid. He had already been setting off red flags and acting possessive and playing similar games. The reason for my punishment? I wouldn’t send him a nude photo. I knew him all of two weeks. Can you say crazy? First phone call he made threats of withholding if I drank the 5 hr energy drink I had. I thought it was a joke. Yet it kept going. Then he would just lose his shit if I tried to disagree with something. That’s when I started to get concerned. I was so happy to have that quiet time – no texts, no phone calls.

To receive a text of that sort, after all his other alarming behaviour was it for me. You simply do not treat people like that. Especially as an adult. By 33 your vocabulary should include phrase such as “I’m upset/angry/hurt/etc and can’t talk with you right now”. But ‘punishing’ someone simply for a lack of a nude photo is utterly out of line.

Perhaps I hold others to a higher standard? I like to view it as I have more respect for myself than to allow some tool bag treat me like a child.
I was brought up with constant reminders that no one is allowed to lay a hand on me without permission, and I always deserve to be treated with courtesy and a modicum of respect (full respect is earned, not expected).

After staying that I was not impressed with his statement, he became defensive. And then another day went by without contact until his next text came in. “bye” was all it said. Was he expecting me to ask him to stay? Or perhaps beg his forgiveness? “oh baby, I was all in the wrong, please let me make it up to you! Here are all the nude shots you want! Anything else I can do? Maybe stop working and stop talking to my friends? Make my life all about you?” fuck no.

This getting back into dating thing kind of sucks.

Don’t Be So Sure

“You’ve never met anyone like me” he told me last night.

Despite my attempts to tell him other wise he just went on about how nice he is, and how chivalrous he is, and so on.

I know nice guys, hell I married the nice guy. Sure each person has their own qualities that make them unique, and different. Being a nice guy isn’t one of them.

The fact that he is captain monogamous isn’t helping either. I know how this will do. I’ve done it before. He says he’ll try to accept it, or that just girls will be ok (cause girl on girl action is hot) but when it comes down to me actually being with another person that’s when things will blow up. And they always do.

So far I have only agreed to meet him for a bit when I am back in BC. Even though I already know that it can’t go anywhere.

Never so tired of being single to get involved in a bad relationship choice.

Moving forward, but not really

Every now and then there is that person who just gets right into your heart and sets up a little home.  The kind of person that you don’t ever want to let go of.  Sometimes it’s someone you’ve known for a long time, sometimes just a day or a week or a whatever.  I have three of them.  The kind of people that when they message me or I see their face or hear their voice it makes my heart swell and also hurts.  A lot.  Two of them are past lovers.  Two people that things didn’t quite end nicely.  The third is someone where it had potential but not the time.  Or the place.

I like to think that I am able to let go of things, to move on from the past. To not hold a torch for anyone.  And yet, here I am.  With three people that I just don’t seem to be able to let go of.  Three people that I have feelings for – good and bad.

Sometimes its just a case of ‘the one that got away’  That’s not it for me.  They didn’t get away.  They left, or I left, or we both left.  But it didn’t end.  It was left open, for later.  For the future, for when the planets align and the earth is in the right house and we are wearing the right colour of socks.  Or something like that.  The newest one seems to hurt the most right now.  I both love and hate seeing their messages in my inbox.  Reading about what they wish we could do together. Seeing those letters on my screen detailing their feelings for me if only I was back in BC or they were to move out here.

I don’t want ifs.  I don’t want later.  I want now.  I want to experience their emotions for me in the present.  Not how they felt about me before or how they could feel about me in the future.  I can’t live my life like that.  I need to live it day to day.

~Ivy

Day 9

Day 9: Threesomes, foursomes, moresomes… What’s your view?

I am going to take this as meaning sexually…I think they can be a lot of fun.  I’ve had more than one of each, and sometimes they were great, and other times they caused so much pain and heartache.  People have group sex for the wrong reasons sometimes.  They think it will be all fun and games and lots of cock and pussy and orgasms all round.  It’s not always like that.  One person moans differently, or cums differently and another person feels like they are left out or inadequate.  Some people love the excitement it brings and welcome the chance to experience someone new with their partner, or they like the attention of two people on them.  Or even watching their partner with other people.  I can see why group sex is awesome.  I love it when it’s right.  I love it when everyone is just relaxed and enjoying themselves.  Fuck, I was part of a six person group sex just a week ago.  It was fantastic.  All people I knew and trusted and found attractive.  We could all enjoy each others orgasms, bask in the sexual after glow and have a great cuddle puddle.  I’ve also been in group sex situations where afterwards someone got jealous, or had some serious regret.  It really ruined the experience afterwards, and on a couple occasions mid sex.  Group sex is like any other situation – think before you act.  And when you’ve thought it out, think about it some more.  If you feel like hesitating, hesitate.  It’s not like you only ever get one chance your whole life.  You can always find another opportunity.

 

~Ivy

Day 3

Day 3: Describe the best and worst experiences you’ve had coming out to people about being non-monogamous.

 

I don’t really recall the best or worst times.  There have been times where it was an unexpected reaction – generally for good though.  It tends to be strangers that give the worst reactions.  I remember one email I got saying “You look like such a nice and pretty girl on the outside, but deep down you must be an ugly person” all because I stated that I was polyamorous.  One of my worst coming out experiences was when I told my mother I was bi.  She became very upset with me and then said “How could you do that to Laine?” Like I had set out to become bisexual and then hurt my (then) husband.  Yep, that me.  Bisexual with the intent to cause harm.

 

~Ivy

Late night ramblings

Since our last update this intrepid explorer has gone though a few adventure. Most of them pretty good.  Finished my EMR course *hooray*, made it back home safely and jumped right back into work and a bit of dating.

Remember that beau I had mentioned before?? WELLLLLLL He is no more.  In fact shortly after my last post I stopped hearing from him.  We had a phone chat, he told me he loved me, and then I never heard from him again.  My email to him was returned and all that.  My big question is who tells someone they love them then suddenly stops talking to them? I’m not going to waste time on shit like that though.  Of course there is a small part of me that says if I heard from  him again I might give him a second try.  But that’s likely my hormones talking.  Stupid hormones.

I had a second date with that girl from OKC.  Yoga and brunch.  Delightful! We seem to have a lot of trouble finding time to get together but that’s alright.  Things will work out as they should.  At the same time I met this delightful gal who happens to work with girl one!  Can you say ‘Lesbian Drama’? It’s ok.  They know about each other and think it’s pretty funny.  Ahhh poly life.  I heart you when you work out so nicely.

Now here is the snag.  Cause there is always a snag right?  Girls two is a virgin.  And I mean that in ever sense of the word.  She grew up in a very religious family.  Never been kissed, never dated, has just come out as bi  (really just a lay over to gay town…but you didn’t hear that from me) and so on.  She’s 25.  The other day she asked me to be her first kiss.  Who am I to turn down a cute girl? So I went for it.  It was nice, pretty chaste.  I don’t know where any of this is going, and that’s totally ok.  I’m just enjoying the time with her.

Then there was that swinger party I went to.  Not bad.  Finally had sex with a girl for the first time in…hmmm..2.5 years??? Was fantastic. I want moar naow.

All this has made me realize that I am done with casual.  I want something solid and tangible.  I’m done with fucking randoms.  Take that however you like.  I kind of miss being in a relationship proper.  I’m not really looking for anything though.  Just putting it out there that if it comes along then great.  If not that’s ok to.  However I am going to make the decisions that could lead me to something more solid.

Work is going fantastic.  I got a raise, I’m getting more work and things are going pretty well.  I’m looking forward to the summer and more clients.

Next month I take my ACP exams in Edmonton *urghk* After that I think I might apply to take the 6 month EMT course…but not planning that much.  Gotta get though my exam first.

Oh, I’ve also been going longboarding a lot more too.  Nailed my first tuck a couple weeks ago, feeling some major stoke from that!  Every week I head out for a few hours of riding and playing around.  Need some good glove though.  And less fear of bailing.  I’ll bail if I bail.  Why can’t I be more afraid about falling in love than I am about falling off my deck?

~Ivy

Ex’s

We all have them.  Ok, Most people have them.  I happen to have seen one of my ex gf’s tonight.  We dated a long time ago…We’re both very different people now.  That’s how it goes though, right?

Some ex’s I can get along with and feel like we can still be friends and hang out and all that.  Like Ms Jinx and I.  Yay!! And some ex’s, not so much.  I think its the promises they make that we’ll stay friends or that they’ll always want me in their lives, and yet make no to little effort to stay in my life or find out what is happening.  Those hurt the most.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  I don’t want your empty words, I want your full actions.

 

~Ivy

Priorities

I passed my practical midterm today. 89%.  Not bad.  Should have been better though.  I kind of panicked.

All that is over shadowed right now as problems with my new beau’s family continue.  While talking tonight she went into cardiac arrest again.  She’s already had 2 surgeries, including a pacemaker put in.  I hate being so far away from people that I care about.  I know that it’s still new with him, but watching anyone go though something like that is heart breaking.  He has hardly left her side, and hasn’t left the hospital at all.

My instructor over heard me talking to my study partner about what was going on, and asked me after my midterm why I was still here, and not with him.  Man that made me feel shitty.  I told him that his family is his priority and this class was mine.  And that since he and I were still just starting out I don’t know his family, but I am in contact through out the day with him.

Are my priorities messed up?  I don’t think so.  At least, I hope not…

 

~Ivy