That one person

There seems to be a person in our lives that can just see inside our heads and tell us just what we are thinking but are way to afraid to confront it or admit it openly.  They might not always be tactful, or articulate.  Sometimes they say it in just a way to make it sound like the most beautiful poetry out there. And if you don’t have one of those people, that’s a shame.  Sometimes I don’t know what I would do without mine.  Maybe continue on with my own delusions?  Definitely take longer to get to my own conclusions, that’s for sure.

So a big thank you to my own consciousness made flesh, that one amazing friend in my life that can look at me and say “Dude, this is what you have to hear, and you are fucking ready for it so just shut up and listen”.  And I do listen.  I don’t always like it. It really is like he is saying verbatim what I am thinking, and that can be hard to face.

Affection

That old adage “don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone” is so true in many situations.

I’ve been away at work for 21 days so far, and have two more to go. My last hug was 20 days ago. It wad great! Total Ivy hug sammich!! Since then its been high 5’s and shoulder punches.

Being an affectionate person it’s very difficult for me to go without for so long. When I talk to Tokerbell on the phone and she says she loves me I experience the worst sinking heart feeling. I miss my friends. I miss my uncle. I even miss my crazy parents.

Even knowing how important human touch is for health and happiness I never fully appreciated it before going away for work.

Rule one up here is don’t cry. I’m pretty sure rule two is don’t be a baby and ask for a hug. Such q different world up here.

The opportunity for a lil skin on skin action came up the other night and I turned it down. I don’t feel like I made the wrong decision, although I do wonder how my mood would be a bit more improved by some sex.

By Saturday I know I’ll have hugs and love and affection in abundance, but right now I’m kicking myself for staying two extra days this rotation.

~Ivy

Day 13

Day 13: Write a letter to someone. It can be a coming out letter or a letter regarding how you hate their homophobia or whatnot. You don’t have to send it.

I don’t really know who I would address it to.  Maybe to the people who try to understand, but really in the end fail miserably.  Or to my mother who won’t accept my bisexuality, but is totally alright with me going out with different guys.  To the people who slut shame, because they think they are funny (psst – you’re not).  To the friends who tell me monogamy is the right choice.  To the friends who ask me what is wrong when I only want to be with one person.

I am not hurting anyone by being poly.  It is my choice. I can fuck who I want.  I can love who I want.  If I want to love one person, but fuck four – my choice.  I know the difference between love and lust and sex and friendship.  I can make those decisions.  No one except the people I am with need to understand my situation.  If my partner(s) don’t want to be poly they don’t have to be.  If I want to just be with one person then I can do that too.  I’m not going to say people with seven kids are bad people, so why do people call me awful things when I have two lovers?  Do you love each child less as they come along? Or only give your love to one child at a time? No, you find a way to spend time with each of them.

My life, my choices.  Good or bad.  In the end I am really only hurting myself.

 

~Ivy

Day 10

Day 10: What involvement have you had with any groups or organizations?

 

When I last lived in Alberta a couple poly lady friends and I got together and decided our city needed a poly group.  So we created one.  We started out with about 9 members, and in the last year it has grown to over sixty (according to our fb page).  We also started a group blog, but that hasn’t been updated much.  One left because it was too public for her (ie she was upset that someone challenged her views) the other hasn’t updated much because she’s busy I guess, and my reasons are because I didn’t want to be part of it anymore.  I think about it from time to time, but really I don’t agree with it being a place to whine about poly life.  It should be about advice and support.  At least for me it was going to be.

Since I moved away I haven’t been to any of the poly events.  They are hosted pretty regularly, and there are all kinds of fun events.  I’m really glad it took off!

~Ivy

Late night ramblings

Since our last update this intrepid explorer has gone though a few adventure. Most of them pretty good.  Finished my EMR course *hooray*, made it back home safely and jumped right back into work and a bit of dating.

Remember that beau I had mentioned before?? WELLLLLLL He is no more.  In fact shortly after my last post I stopped hearing from him.  We had a phone chat, he told me he loved me, and then I never heard from him again.  My email to him was returned and all that.  My big question is who tells someone they love them then suddenly stops talking to them? I’m not going to waste time on shit like that though.  Of course there is a small part of me that says if I heard from  him again I might give him a second try.  But that’s likely my hormones talking.  Stupid hormones.

I had a second date with that girl from OKC.  Yoga and brunch.  Delightful! We seem to have a lot of trouble finding time to get together but that’s alright.  Things will work out as they should.  At the same time I met this delightful gal who happens to work with girl one!  Can you say ‘Lesbian Drama’? It’s ok.  They know about each other and think it’s pretty funny.  Ahhh poly life.  I heart you when you work out so nicely.

Now here is the snag.  Cause there is always a snag right?  Girls two is a virgin.  And I mean that in ever sense of the word.  She grew up in a very religious family.  Never been kissed, never dated, has just come out as bi  (really just a lay over to gay town…but you didn’t hear that from me) and so on.  She’s 25.  The other day she asked me to be her first kiss.  Who am I to turn down a cute girl? So I went for it.  It was nice, pretty chaste.  I don’t know where any of this is going, and that’s totally ok.  I’m just enjoying the time with her.

Then there was that swinger party I went to.  Not bad.  Finally had sex with a girl for the first time in…hmmm..2.5 years??? Was fantastic. I want moar naow.

All this has made me realize that I am done with casual.  I want something solid and tangible.  I’m done with fucking randoms.  Take that however you like.  I kind of miss being in a relationship proper.  I’m not really looking for anything though.  Just putting it out there that if it comes along then great.  If not that’s ok to.  However I am going to make the decisions that could lead me to something more solid.

Work is going fantastic.  I got a raise, I’m getting more work and things are going pretty well.  I’m looking forward to the summer and more clients.

Next month I take my ACP exams in Edmonton *urghk* After that I think I might apply to take the 6 month EMT course…but not planning that much.  Gotta get though my exam first.

Oh, I’ve also been going longboarding a lot more too.  Nailed my first tuck a couple weeks ago, feeling some major stoke from that!  Every week I head out for a few hours of riding and playing around.  Need some good glove though.  And less fear of bailing.  I’ll bail if I bail.  Why can’t I be more afraid about falling in love than I am about falling off my deck?

~Ivy

Night Off

Sometimes we all need a night off.  I should have made yesterday my night off, but I didn’t.   Tonight I did my homework, then watched Art play some FF 12.  That was a lot of fun.  I played a bit myself (love me some FF).

It was great to spend time with him.  One of my oldest, and dearest, friends.  I have known him since I was 18.  We’ve come a long way since then and he has always been there for me no matter what.

Now to try this thing I’ve heard of before – going to bed on time…. Interesting concept.

 

~Ivy

Ex’s

We all have them.  Ok, Most people have them.  I happen to have seen one of my ex gf’s tonight.  We dated a long time ago…We’re both very different people now.  That’s how it goes though, right?

Some ex’s I can get along with and feel like we can still be friends and hang out and all that.  Like Ms Jinx and I.  Yay!! And some ex’s, not so much.  I think its the promises they make that we’ll stay friends or that they’ll always want me in their lives, and yet make no to little effort to stay in my life or find out what is happening.  Those hurt the most.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep.  I don’t want your empty words, I want your full actions.

 

~Ivy

Midterm!

If I wasn’t so damn committed to making this a daily blog I would be studying more then sleeping early.  But Noooooo I have to be dedicated, and stuff.

So tired.  Didn’t sleep enough or well last night.  Too worried about someone and their family.  Plus staying up late talking to them and studying.  Go me.  Practical midterm tomorrow! Hopefully I get it in the first go and don’t kill my patient….

 

~Ivy

Made It Alive!

So here I am.  Made it to Calgary no problem.  Just feeling a bit weird about being back but not in my old place.  Haven’t seen Laine yet, just exchanged a quick message.

Had a good night with my Art.  It’s good to catch up with him, and its great that I can stay at his place while I am here.  That’ll help with the weirdness I’m sure.  Yep, can’t stay at my old house with my ex husband, so I am going to stay with my ex fiance.  Not weird at all.

~Ivy

Tomorrow I Go!

I head out tomorrow.  Totally nervous.  For lots of reasons.  Seeing Laine, school, maybe seeing other people.  Just ugh, what if I fuck in in school? What if things blow up in my face.  What if what if what fucking if?!

Tokerbell gave me a great pep talk tonight, that helped.  I’m getting my laundry done and my books together.  Then packing, some tv on my lappy.  And to my pillow zone aka cuddle fortress.  Damn could go for some real cuddles!

On another note, I am feeling slightly proud of myself for maintaing a daily blog.  Sure, a couple days of bad/short blogs – but come on! MIGRAINE!! Still made it!

~Ivy